Transformers

A toy commercial in disguise

Action/Sci-fi ‧ 143 minutes ‧ PG-13 ‧ 2007

“Freedom is the right of all sentient beings”

After coming home from watching F1, my horrible nerd brain decided maybe I should review another vehicle-based movie. Directed by Michael Bay and starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, and John Turturro, Transformers (2007) is not a good movie. Honestly, it’s a chaotic mess. But somehow, I still found moments to enjoy it, mostly for its surface-level spectacle and giant robots smashing stuff.

Based on the 80s cartoon (and more importantly, the toy line), Transformers tells the story of giant techno-organic alien creatures who disguise themselves as cars and trucks on Earth. The good guys are the Autobots, protectors of peace who have come to help us. The bad guys are the Decepticons, who want nothing more than to conquer and enslave the planet. Sounds awesome, right? Giant robots fighting it out? Yes, please. Unfortunately, the movie decides to focus on three human subplots instead.

First, there is Sam Witwicky, a nerd who wants to get the attention of the resident female “character” Mikaela Banes. Then there’s a hacker and an army guy, whose names I honestly can’t remember. This right here is the film’s biggest flaw—its human characters. The three storylines do come together eventually, but the film feels bloated with unfunny comedy and awkward characters from every background imaginable. If even one of these subplots had been cut, maybe we could get to the part that really matters: the Transformers themselves.

Unlike the ridiculous, over-the-top versions in the sequels, this film's Autobots and Decepticons feel like real characters. The Decepticons go from 1980s Saturday morning cartoon villains to actual threats, and the Autobots here carry some genuine moral angst. There’s a standout scene where Bumblebee is captured by the military and Optimus Prime has to choose whether to keep fighting or risk hurting humans. The voice acting and CGI in these scenes are surprisingly excellent. Somehow, the talking truck has more humanity than almost everyone else in the film.

Now, the one thing Transformers excels at is action. Right from the start, a single Transformer ruins an entire military base. The sense of scale and impact is something the later movies completely lost. When Optimus fights Bonecrusher on the highway, it feels real. Seeing behind-the-scenes footage of the practical effects makes me appreciate it even more. I just wish the action had a story that could keep up, instead of relying on pretty visuals.

The music is phenomenal too. Steve Jablonsky’s “Arrival to Earth” is a standout track. The sound design gives the film weight, with clanking metal and the classic cartoon transformation noises making the robots feel present. Still, at the end of the day, action without purpose is like music without rhythm.

Overall, Transformers is a mess. It looks great and sounds great, but the bloated characters and unfunny jokes drag it way down. However, when it sticks to the source material and focuses on the robots, it shines just enough for me to give it a 2.5 out of 5. I just wish I didn’t have to sit through Megan Fox’s sweaty midriff and terrible sex jokes to get to the good stuff.

(Also, I’m not reviewing the sequels. They are bad. Yes, even the one you like.)